It happened. Without a single thought to my mind, a Freudian slip was uttered. Sitting across the table from two close friends at a taco shop, it came to my mouth. “I’m going to BSSM in the fall.” This statement came as a shock to all of us. Why now? What changed my mind? Was this the right thing?
But first a bit of the back story…
Upon moving to Redding, I was pretty adamant that I wasn’t going to attend school. Do thousands come for school every year? Yes. Was I planning on being one of those thousands? Not at all. I lived in a house with 8 other ladies that were students. While some days were great and peaceful in our home, other days it was absolutely nuts. People’s character and integrity were questionable and it seemed that they would come home from school unpredictable, having experienced a roller coaster of emotions throughout the day. At times great things were happening, but it didn’t seem that there was much solidarity to the ways people interacted. If this is what school meant, I was out. I had a big girl job, was growing the blog, and came for the community. My undergrad was in ministry, so there wasn’t really in point in going back to school. Plus there was the cost of tuition, that sounded like a nice trip to Europe or a down payment on new car. Those sounded like great, great options rather than sitting in class for a year. I had my list of reasons and stuck to them.
I would go to parties and in meeting people would be asked the same questions. Often times, once people discovered I wasn’t in school, they really didn’t know how to make conversation with me. I had unknowingly entered a bubble where it seemed the scope of conversation was quite limited, often to three or so questions. It was odd. I didn’t know what to do with it and at times really struggled knowing my place in this community.
What changed?
In order to get what you want, you have to pay tremendous cost.
Since being in Redding, I’m aware that I have a vision for where I desire to be and what I long to do in 5-10 years. When I first arrived, I was intimidated. I was surrounded by giants of faith and while in the past was known as this, in this environment I felt like a minnow in the pond of big fish. It took some adjustment and getting used to. After a year, I realized a lot of the connections and ways I wanted to grow in loving others and living my life would only be accomplished through attending school. There was cost. A cost financially, a sacrifice time, and attending knowing that much of the content would be similar to what I have received in other environments. Would it be worth it? I asked myself this over and over again, but here’s the thing about dreams. Once you see them and take hold of them, they give you hope in the middle of sacrifice and keep on pushing you forward. The vision and the goal would be worth it. I had built my life upon it prior to life in Redding. Going back to school was only going to further these realities in my life.
The plan isn’t perfect, but it will be wonderful.
Around here, this is a phrase we hear a lot. While I had far different plans for my life this semester, it seems that life looks quite a bit different than what I had expected. There are days I go into school frustrated, tired, and questioning, “Why I am here?” I’ve been told by many that when these days come to hold on because things are about to get really good. It’s been a week and a half in and I’m excited for what the rest of the year holds. It isn’t my plan at all any more. I’m kind of along for the ride. I know it will be wonderful.
Why do I share all of this?
You are incredible. The dreams placed and lodged deep within your heart are beautiful, vulnerable, and worth pursuing. Some days they will come at tremendous cost. Some days the vision and dream you once had will seem dim and far in the distance. Never give up. It may not be perfect, but it will be wonderful.