Getting Real: The Beauty, Risk, and Courage in Intimate Relationships

“Melissa, I feel that once your heart is softened, that is when your life, calling, and relationships will flourish.”

This statement has been spoken over me countless times and has echoed into the hallway and corridors of my relationship history. I don’t know what it is, but there’s something incredibly hard about being vulnerable and honest when being in relationships with people.

We all have the parts of ourselves that we’re more than willing to show to others. And then, there’s the other part-the messy, less than pretty  parts of our hearts. When those come out it can be scary. Will someone still be there after they see that part? Will they still be around after the gut-wrenching, 3 hour conversations on the couch? Will they still be there after the conversations and moments that shift far past the pretty food, clothes, design, or what I do for them. I’m there raw, (probably a blubbering mess), exposed for all that I am, and still long for someone to love me in the morning.

We’ve all been there. It’s the cry of the human heart to have relationships. We long for authenticity, genuine connection, and to be deeply known by others. Yet often times there’s something that stops us from building the very kind of relationships we desire in our lives. Maybe it’s a lack of trust, a need to look like we have it all together, etc. You find yourself getting to know someone and then all of a sudden things just come to a screeching halt. For me, I know I find myself doing a few things. I’d like to call them my two “characters” if you will.

First, there’s the entertainer.

Unlike some entertainers, who must walk into the room, work it, and remain the life of the party, my entertaining role is a bit more subtle. As the entertainer, I’m there to provide a great party. Relaxed, perfectly composed, and a great conversationalist, my goal is to peak your curiosity and impress you with my quick wit, puns, and sarcasm. When I’m in this role, don’t expect to come too close. I’m thinking a casual and fun evening, not relational intimacy. My humor will keep you laughing, thinking you had a great night, but on your drive home you ask yourself, “Did I even get to know her?” My humor has become a way to cope, relate, and lighten stressful situations. In a crisis? I’ll have a joke for that. Your heart may be breaking, but I’ll find a way to lighten the mood for you.

Insert role number 2, the business woman.

Now in this role, I’m someone who has her stuff together, using busyness, a booked iCal, and focused on getting things done. In this role, I am aiming for perfect, knowing that order is the way to maintaining and checking off all the appropriate boxes. Need a good long chat? Don’t call me, I’ll squeeze you in between other existing appointments. What’s the pitfall with the business woman role? While perfect is rather boring, it is a rather painful and crushing standard.

The biggest problem with these roles? They’re comfortable and safe, but at no point do they actually help cultivate relationships with people. They keep people at a distance and only let people see a facet of who I really am. Maybe you know the role you play when you are building relationships with people…what is it? And what will it take for us to lose the pretence with each other? What would our life and relationships look like if we fully committed to being our truest self with others? What if we were willing to drop the roles we play and be vulnerable?

Here’s the honest truth:

While most will see an outspoken, opinionated girl, I’m actually soft, really soft. I’m probably one of the most sensitive people you’ll ever meet. I remember names and details about people’s lives, because I want people to know that they’re loved and cared for. I take hurt and rejection really hard, because I love investing in people and like seeing that it’s making a difference in their lives. I love adventure and spontaneity almost as much as I like order and clean (I love sitting in the dirt by a bonfire on the mountain.) There are moments where bottle up my frustration and unintentionally verbally spill about it for far too long. I have a compassionate heart, am willing to pay great costs for my faith, and am up for most anything. I love random dance parties, creating without boundaries, and feeling safe enough to be silly.

Somewhere along the way, I have frequently forgotten who my real self is or what I am about. I’ve forgotten how to show that to the the world. I’ve forgotten that this softness is a gift, not a curse.

This month and moving forward I’m permitting myself to be me, and to be ok with it. In some ways it feels risky, yet the safest place to be. There will be moments where it will be challenging and I will want to shift back into the familiar roles I play. I figure the best way to rebuild a community I want is to be the community I want. There are relationships in my life where there is emotional intimacy. Authenticity is an easy and common vernacular. As I continue to establish myself in California, I long for these relationships to expand and become commonplace in my new home.

Will you risk it with me? What will it take to have emotional intimacy with those in your life?

*This post was a response to Donald Miller’s book Scary Close. If you read one book this year, it should be this one.